pro_pain

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 03:22:56 GMT

I read this today
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/localnews/content/local_news/epaper/2005/06/17/s1c_blimp_0617.html

And I thought of that glorious line from Bill and Ted's. "Look! (points) It's the Goodyear Blimp." I don't know how many times I have seen that line in use while gaming.

After reading the article more I saw that it happened very close to several of you. So do me just one thing. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me one of you quoted that and I can die a happy man.

Mon, 30 May 2005 02:47:28 GMT

My sister has been very sick the last couple of weeks. Her kidneys are failing so she is on dialysis, her blood pressure has been rising and falling rapidly, she had 2 seizures last week, she has been hallucinating, and now she has an pneumonia.

I always thought of her as the invincible uber-gimp... but now my mom is afraid that she wont make it that long. I still hold out hope that she will fight though it, but I have to accept the possibility that she may not.

On an up side I have been able to abstain from SI for over 3 months now.

Here's hoping you don't become a robot.....

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 05:06:01 GMT

Actually I would rather like to be a robot. No emotion, pain, jealousy, anger, or longing.

If you thing you may trigger (SI) stop reading.

Things were fairly good for a while. It seamed I was finally getting over Katherine and I was very good about restraining from SI. Now I am backsliding, and not only have I resumed SI but I have also gotten a lot less careful. And I am doing it on purpose. Ever had I been diligent in making sure I was very precise in my cuts, always with a new razor. Now I am using what ever I have on hand, my old knife or a shard or glass and I am just making random slashes. Some cuts are deeper than others and I have to use duct tape to stem the flow. If that was all I wanted to do it would be fine. But I have had very very strong urges to hurt myself very badly. I have had reoccurring fantasies of hammering a nail through my hand and stabbing my thigh with a steak knife. It is getting harder and harder to resist and I really don't know why. My life isn't much different than it was a few months ago, and for a while I had few urges to SI. Now I walk around at work half dazed as I am day dreaming out hurting myself.

I'm at the point that I really should see a doctor. But I can not bring myself to do it. I have realized that the one thing in life that I fear above all is disapproval/rejection. And after the way my last doctor freaked out I don't think I will ever willingly go to another one.

I just hope the urges fade before my will gives out. If not... well I guess I had better learn to stitch myself up real quick.

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 04:46:39 GMT

I am worth $2,000,614.00 on HumanForSale.com

In 2nd grade I sold my body, mind, and soul to my friend Eli for a taco. If I would have know the demand for nerds would increase so much I would have asked for 2 tacos. Curse my luck.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 02:48:01 GMT

I just got finished watching the debate, and there are 2 things that I have learned. Bush looks creepy as hell when he winks at someone, and Kerry is a head butter. Right after the debate he knocked heads with a supporter.... perhaps he figured that if it worked for Weslie Willis it will work for him.

And Bush finally admited that the world would be a better place if Kerry was president. Bushisms are great.

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 06:40:29 GMT

Getting drunk with Cory is always interesting. His qoute of the night, "As long as you don't mind me jerking off to you jerking off to some guy."

Now I am back to drinking.

Ahoy! Tis the best holiday of the year!

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 18:55:07 GMT

Aye, tis right ye scallywags! It be Sept 19th, Internatianal talk like a pirate day. So find yerself a wench and get loaded to the gunwales on grog. And if'n you don't I'll be lettin' the cat out o' the bag before I keelhaul yer scurvy arse!

I fought today!

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 03:41:11 GMT

I finally got someone to agree to fight me. It was Cory, my roomies brother. He would only do it if we agreed to no face shots and no kicking. He seemed to have a homing device for the infected wound on my arm. Luckily I am to stupid to give up so I would never give up. At the end of our scrapping I had made him give up over 20 times and he never made me give.

Tomorrow once all of the bruises come to the surface and our muscles yell at us we will see who the real winner is. I think I already know the answer though.... we are both losers.

And I can't wait until I get to do it again.

I'm a quiz whore

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 03:40:56 GMT

Wow. I'm an introverted masochist. Why am I not suprised.

ISTP - "Engineer". Values freedom of action and following interests and impulses. Independent, concise in speech, master of tools. 5.4% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|	16%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%

Your Conscious-Surface type is 2w1
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 4w3

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 04:48:39 GMT

I need a new job. The only other guy who does any work quit today. So I am fucked when the truck comes in tomorrow, and for the next several weeks until my boss to convince another sucker to work their balls off for nothing.

I wonder if he will give me a raise if I threaten to quit. Hmmm.... I like that idea.

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 22:12:38 GMT

While I am still sober I would like to share a quote from 'Awful Fantasy'.

There were several journal entries including people raving about DDR and anime. The one that got me was:

'i bought a lamp that goes on and off HOORAY
didnt cut at all yesterday too! yay for me!
this is going good so far! i didnt even feel like i wanted to!'

And the reply to reading these journals was:

"there is no way a just and loving god would allow these people to live"

That made me spit water out of my nose. These guys make fun of EVERYTHING.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 01:05:15 GMT

If knowledge was power I'd be a god! Mwahahahaha.

I just gather what info and gossip I can, then go over it and digest it. I come to my own conclusions, make my predictions, and then see how that info can help me. But you should know your secrets are safe with me. I don't share the info because then it becomes less valuable.

So come now, confide in me, tell me your darkest secrets.

-Also I am now out of beer. A sad time indeed... except I've still got lots of rum and vodka. Mwahahaha. You will now see how quickly I can fuck myself up.

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 03:36:03 GMT

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (27%) low which suggests you are very quiet, unassertive, and aloof.
Neuroticism (77%) high which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Psychoticism (41%) moderately low which suggests you are good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too much of a follower.

Take Eysenck's EPQ-R based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

It's funny that I am closest to sober. Because now I am nice and toasty! So I am a quite, unassertive, insecure and emotional. All in all I think it was fairly accurate.

Freudian Inventory Results

Genital (26%) you appear to have a pessimistic and regressive outlook on life.
Latency (70%) you may be using learning as an escape from living.
Phallic (53%) you appear to have a good balance of sexual awareness and sexual composure.
Anal (50%) you appear to have a good balance of self control and spontaneity.
Oral (53%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence.

Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

A pessimistic nerd.

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 02:09:52 GMT

I am going to have to cancel drinking night after only a few beers. I have learned my lesson about drinking and being upset. I shall reschedule for some time this weekend.

I feel that I need to do something violent. I'll see if there is something to smash into tiny bits.

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 03:52:51 GMT

Recipe for fun.

Play some Driver and/or Grand Theft Auto
Get really pissed
Get in the car and drive really fucking fast on the highway and back roads
Avoid the piggies
(Optional) Try not to crash and burn

I still don't know how I have never had an accident, I think the pizza delivering helped.

I have scheduled the next drinking day for Wed night. Must buy more beer and rum. Free booze to any who can make the trip. ;)

I am weak willed and must re-post things I am asked to.

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 23:23:15 GMT

Answer them! If you do I'll love you as much as dinosaurs traveling through time searching for pirate treasure!

( ) would you make a move and make out with me?
( ) will you make the first move?
( ) go out with me?
( ) give me your number?
( ) have sex with me?
( ) give me money?
( ) let me kiss you?
( ) watch a movie with me?
( ) have dinner with me?
( ) let me borrow your car?
( ) kick my ass?
( ) take a shower with me?
( ) be my gf/bf?
( ) have a fling with me?
( ) be there for me?
( ) buy me a drink
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) give me a good time?
( ) have a 24 hour fuckathon with me?
( ) re-post this for me to answer your question

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 17:38:38 GMT

Strange few days. But I think I am better now. I have been playing WAY to much awful fantasy. It is the only game I have seen that has characters that say 'woot'. More than you oo gals. It also makes fun of everything which I find amusing. Especially the things that apply to me (they even make fun of cutting). Some people wont like that, but I thought it was rather funny. It the most politically uncorrect game ever.

That is all.

why

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 04:52:25 GMT

I just want it all to go away. I really wish I werent so weak. Or that I didn't care. I lust for entropy. Night.

Drinking week begins

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 00:09:46 GMT

It's a bit overdue but now the glorious event is well on its coarse. I am going to match the amount that both of my roomates drink (combined). So I should be nice and toasty in a couple of hours. Feel free to IM me for some drunken ramblings or advice. Be be warned a drunk mans tongue speaks a sober mans mind.

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 03:19:56 GMT

I am laughing my balls off. If any of you ass-clowns want some fun download 'Awful Fantasy: III'. It is a spoof of Final Fatasy 3 made by some of the guys at Somethingawful. With lines like "but my hello kitty electric vibrat... i mean toothbrush is still in there!", "i'm hoping some day this will earn me some nice tight pussy wishful thinking faggot. she will be stretched like Dhalsim", and a little girl saying "el pinto grande put his hoo hoo in my poo hole" it is an instant classic. There are so many cultural references (Mr. T, Beavis and Butthead, AYB, ect) that it is hard to catch them all. There are plenty of new graphics and story lines (and I'm only a couple of hours into it) that it is a whole new game.

Download it now my bitches.
http://www.frithiof.com/AwfulFantasyIII/awfulfantasy1.3.zip

You'll need a good emulator. Try ZNES.
http://www.zsnes.com/

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 23:57:10 GMT

I was in a shity mood today. But on the way home from work the sky boiled. I have never seen a front move in so fast. Its as dark as night raining like a monsoon and starting to hail. And there have been several funnel clouds spotted. If I'm lucky one will touch down close.

Now I am going to play in it!

[Now I know Mischka's secret]

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 04:38:16 GMT

My lj wedding by chynafox
username
age
city
you will marry	dogb
flower girl	bassmastalp
best man	lips_stainedred
bridesmaid	ktlee17
you will have your last fling with	xxpdjejmbxx
registrar	unsung_0s_loser
secretly wants to marry you themself	dark6mystery66
date of the wedding	February 8, 2027
number of times you do it on your wedding night	62

Quiz created with MemeGen!

62 times with the sexiest person ever! I am a luck bastard. Of course he will be in his 60's but think of the great uber-viagra they will have then!

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 01:51:39 GMT

I got a bed frame and box springs! I have been sleeping on an uncomfortable futon mattress on the floor for over a yeah. This is like heaven!!!

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 23:43:47 GMT

Over the river and through the woods.....

Yeah, I'm off to my g-ma's. What sucks is that she lives on a lake friends there have a jetski and boat, but I wont be able to go in cause I am a dumb ass. I can show my scars to stranges but not to my family.

Well I'll be back sometime tomorrow night. Auf Wiedersehen!

Yoink!

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 02:50:49 GMT

I stole this great post from another members only site. It tells a lot about SI.

Have you ever noticed that we (this we would me you and me, gentle reader.. cats make no excuses!) often have a lot of excuses as to why we cannot possibly seek help for our mental problems?

I'm not talking here about "I have no insurance and can't afford to see a shrink or buy medication" as that isn't an excuse, that's a problem. I'm talking about "I can't tell people about my anger/pain/sadness because they won't understand" or "If I reveal that I'm human and fallible then they won't respect me" or what have you.

We use these lines to stay locked up inside ourselves, until the pressure builds and builds and builds and suddenly the only way to let it out is to cut or burn. We get really good at taking care of other people, and putting on a mask for the world that says we're fine, we're great, we're ok... But when it comes to accepting care from someone else, well, we're pretty bad at that. We believe we should be able to handle everything all by ourselves and that admitting we can't is a failure and an admission of an insurmountable weakness.

Maybe there was trauma in our lives that caused us to withdraw trust from the people around us. Maybe we're just wired that way. I don't know. I look at myself and my chronic depression and urges to just hack at myself when I get upset, when there's no one moment in my life I can point out to say "That's where it all started." All I can remember is feeling alone and alienated from groups of people around me.

And I made excuses about why I couldn't reach out to the people around me, and why I couldn't even tell people I was relatively close to when they were hurting me. I just bottled everything up inside, squished it down as deep as it would go, and then when the pressure just got too much, I let it out with pain and blood.

So where does it end? How do we stop making excuses? I hate to say it but in a twisted way this mode of life is comfortable to us, it's familiar, and trying to step out of it feels like leaping out of an airplane without knowing whether or not you've even got a parachute on your back. Are you going to drift gently down to solid ground, or just go splat?

I'm just starting to overcome my excuses, through therapy, through my best friend, through my cats, and with a little help from Paxil. When I say to my best friend "I'm sorry for being such a neurotic, emotionally draining, soul-sucking useless glob," she just says "It's a circle, Simba. You lean on me, I lean on you, and you're not useless. I love you because of your uniqueness, not in spite of." The cats, of course, are little hairy fountains of boundless love, always good for a hug and a purr.

And I've made some big strides, too. After I was diagnosed with Human Papilloma Virus (I have the kind that causes pre-cancerous changes in the cervix), my Mom said something very hurtful to me without meaning to. She said, "Well, I guess you should have been using condoms and being careful." I was pretty floored. For one thing, I've always used condoms, and having my Mom casually assume I was being unsafe was pretty shattering. For another, condoms don't protect you from HPV. Trust me on this.

After I hung up the phone with my Mom, I really wanted to cut, or burn, or something to make it all go away. Instead, I sat down at the computer and typed her an e-mail. I told her that her comment was pretty hurtful, because I'd always been careful. I gave her links to information on HPV. And I told her that I really needed my family's love and support to get me through the exam-biopsy-surgery-wait for results thing I was going through.

You know what? The world didn't end. My Mom didn't disown me for admitting I needed her support. She gave it, unconditionally, and educated herself on HPV so that she could support me in an educated manner. It was good. It was a happy ending.

Now to cope I ask myself, "What's the worst that's going to happen?" Then I plan how to avoid the worst-case scenario. Nine times out of ten, the worst case scenario doesn't even come close to happening.